i've been holding off writing this. not because i didn't want to offend anyone or disrupt the flow of life...but because i didn't want to believe it. my relationship failed and i was dumped last night. the man i loved didn't feel the same about me, or maybe he didn't feel as strongly as i did. i don't really know. i didn't ask for an explanation, because i really didn't want one. for me, i think this is better. i didn't want to know the details of why i wasn't what he wanted, or why what we had didn't fit well together. so i just let it happen.
i know that a lot of it had to do with me quitting my job and not having a license to go out and find another one. i've talked to my aunt and one of my mom's best friend (amanda's mom) and they both told me that finances play a huge role in relationships. i don't know if it's because i'm still such a wide-eyed little girl or i just don't have enough experience in relationships, but i don't get it. my parents had always had financial issues, and they always stayed in love. maybe that wasn't the case for us, maybe it wasn't the money, maybe we just didn't work. i'll never really know. but i think if we would have stayed in it any longer things would have gotten much worse and i would be writing terrible things about him instead of just being confused and still admiring him as a man.
whatever the case, it's over. and i can't dwell on it. it will drive me insane. so i'm going to focus on healing me for a while. i don't want to be in a relationship, and i don't want to go on dates. way back when, i used to be such a strong woman, a force to be reckoned with. all the things that have happened this year, from the death of my mother, my job going horribly wrong and now to this nonsense...i have become a mouse. that is not me. i am now afraid of controversy, and being that bold girl i used to be. i took risks at one time and now, i'd rather just stay inside rather than go out a find some thing fantastic. i can't do this to myself anymore. so this is me, making a promise to myself, that i'll be myself again and its not for anyone but me. i need to be that girl again, because she was something to marvel at.
don't get me wrong, he was a wonderful man, he still is. he's strong and so very intelligent. i really can't say anything bad about him, that's not what this is about. i hate that things went wrong, because he was just amazing. but i can't drive myself crazy thinking about everything that was good and how everything went bad. i'm just going to move on. that's what this is. i'm getting it out of my system, like verbal vomit. cleaning out my brain so that i can fill it up with amazing things that will make me happy because i need some fucking happy.
i'm hanging out with my girls tonight, for a little bit more verbal vomit and some girl time. i need to do this, i miss them. can't lie though, it may be a day or so before i write another post on here. there's things that need to be done and things i need to finish working on. i'm also going to clean up my work room so that i can start doing more projects and maybe some DIY's. hopefully. but it may be a bit quiet on here in the next few days. if you may it through this whole mess of a rant, congrats. and thank you for reading it. i hate writing SUPER personal things on here, just because i don't want to be a debbi-downer or anything. hopefully, all of this made sense. i haven't revised this or edited it, it was all written directly out of my head without really thinking about what i'm saying. so i believe i'm finished here.
thanks for reading...